Dating Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt

"Because when pain has been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution from Within."

If you tend to attract men who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing love with pain.

So many of us have been brought up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship. Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant other?)

A happy, loving relationship eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).

According to the media, men are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games. Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the way life is. Get over it.

And while the media is happy to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.

Some of us:

(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other, (c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.

And so, we learned to associate love with pain. It's all we knew.

Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted in us, but we still managed to:

(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married, or

(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family, where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).

As a result of this programming, we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone, right?

Wrong.

If you're putting up with substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.

Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined the kind of men you attract.

You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.

Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"

Give yourself time to come up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh instead of cry for a change?

"Because when pain has been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution from Within."

If you tend to attract men who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing love with pain.

So many of us have been brought up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship. Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant other?)

A happy, loving relationship eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).

According to the media, men are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games. Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the way life is. Get over it.

And while the media is happy to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.

Some of us:

(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other, (c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.

And so, we learned to associate love with pain. It's all we knew.

Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted in us, but we still managed to:

(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married, or

(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family, where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).

As a result of this programming, we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone, right?

Wrong.

If you're putting up with substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.

Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined the kind of men you attract.

You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.

Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"

Give yourself time to come up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh instead of cry for a change?

By Terry Hernon MacDonald

Getting Dating Advice

Dating can be daunting whether you are a serial dater or someone who has been out of the dating scene for quite a while, and that is why dating advice can prove so invaluable. It can help you with choosing venues, tips on they type of conversation you can make, as well as what to wear.

Good dating advice will also offer suggestions on keeping yourself safe when meeting people for the first time.

Basically, it can give you the confidence that everything is in place to ensure that your dating experience will be a good one. It can discuss the differences between men and women when it comes to romance and relationships as well as things like dating etiquette.

Good advice includes looking at the bad times and not just the good times, giving you a true perspective on dating.

Dating advice can come from a wide range of places and the more research you do, the better! You can speak to your friends, read books on the subject and can use the internet.

In fact, the internet is a good place to start. There are literally dozens of reputable friendship and dating websites and many offer free advice, guidance and tips on dating, relationships, love, sex and romance. You can also browse the many forums on these sites for really personal, honest advice and experiences from their members. After all, the advice will be from people who have experience of dating.

On line dating and friendship sites also offer fun resources too, such as dating quizzes and many have experts whom you can ask questions of.

Dating and meeting new people can be great fun and if you are armed with knowledge, the whole experience can be even better.

So, if you are looking for good dating advice, you know where to start!

By Jason Hulott

Dating Someone New - 3 Steps to See If You Are Ready to Start a Relationship With a New Person

How will you know when it is time to begin dating again? If you are a baby boomer and have been out of the dating scene for many years, you may be wondering if you will ever be ready to take that step and meet the right person again.

As we get older our lives become much more complicated. Dealing with work, raising children, caring for elderly parents, and thinking about our own health and retirement can be overwhelming under the best of circumstances. But you owe it to yourself to get on with your life and find that special person to share your life with. Here are some ways to get started if you are not sure you are ready for a new relationship.

* Find someone of the opposite sex, who is also single, to go with on a practice date one evening. Tell this friend that you want to start dating again and that you want to see what the experience will feel like. You can go to dinner and a movie and just get a feeling for what it is like to be alone with someone in this type of setting.
* If this feels right to you, ask your friends to suggest someone who may be available and interested in going on a date. Your friends are usually more than happy to set you up with someone they think would be right for you.
* Don't go too quickly. Think about the qualities you would like in a new person, and write them down. This gives you an opportunity to quantify the traits and characteristics of the person you may want to share your life with.

If you are serious about wanting a new relationship, you will know it after you have taken the steps I have listed above. You will know because of the way you feel. Always think about how you are feeling and let that be your guide to starting a new relationship of any kind.

By Connie Ragen Green